I live life dangerously.

Riding ATVs, going out for a night on the town punching old ladies in the face with Destructoid's Chad Concelmo, and even consorting with Ms. Balalaika are all part of my typical week's schedule. I'm like an urban Indiana Jones, solving mysteries, bagging women, and punching Nazis in the face.

But sometimes, there is something that is just too wild -- too bizarre -- that even I am left floored. It all started one day at school...

The bell was ringing to make it to homeroom. As rebellious as I may be, tardiness is not one of my qualities. So, I busted my ass and made it in just as the bell was finishing. Great, the first day of school, and...the teacher isn't even here yet? I made my way to the first open seat that I could find.

"Hey there, I'm Ito. Ito Ogure."

Sitting at the window seat to my left was this bombshell with long, light-brown hair and a pose that just exuded sexuality. She smiled, but the teacher came bursting into the room right after that, and it was like she flipped a switch. All that energy behind her glare was gone. She was now just another pretty schoolgirl, with nothing impure about her.

Class introductions, the rules and regulations of homework, and all that other stuff just flew over my head. I was too interested in this girl, Ogure. All throughout class, she was focused on her studies, and never even glanced at me. Was she just being friendly?

Well, there's the bell for lunch. Time to eat! Of course, I had to make my own lunch, and this bento wasn't particularly special. I had overslept, and so there was no meat in there whatsoever. "Aww, it looks so sad." I turn to see Ogure with that smirk of hers again. "Here, I'll be a good girl and let you have some of my meat." She just let it hang there.

Now, I am not like your typical Japanese protagonist. I won't make you sit through chapter upon chapter of misplaced love-letters and half-hearted confessions. We didn't even bother to try and find a love hotel after class -- we just found a storage locker for equipment, since none of the sports teams were in full gear yet.

Things were quickly getting hot and heavy, but she stopped all of a sudden. "Want to try something dangerous?" Being cocky and overconfident, I of course said yes. She blindfolded me and yet I feared nothing. When you're wearing a blindfold, sounds and touch are heightened. It's a fantastic sensation. The rustling of her skirt. The feeling of her hands on my belt buckle. Something skittering.

Wait, what was that last one? I could have sworn I heard something skittering about. "H..hey, what was that noise just now?" Instead of a response, Ogure just let out a cackling laugh and ripped my shirt open. Something wasn't right. Instinct just kicked in, and I curled up my legs, giving her a powerful jack-rabbit kick to the chest. Then, being the flexible guy I am, I took the blindfold off with my feet and sprung to a standing position.

Before me was Ogure, but from her most sacred of places a thousand spiders were spilling forth. This was not what I signed up for. Things only got worse, of course, because her skin started cracking as she grew a few feet and broke forth into her true demonic form. And yes, the spiders were still spilling out of her hoo-hoo.

What now? What could I do? Approaching me like the Rancor did to Luke Skywalker, it was as though Death itself had come for me. I had to do something. The only prop available was a broom, and so I did what I could: charged full force into her, ramming that thing into her spider cavern. I guess it caused a backup, because she started to swell up, and no sooner had I taken cover behind some mats did I hear a glass-shattering explosion and see goop fly out all over the place.

Great, my clothes are all covered in it. I was fine, but like hell the teachers are going to listen to whatever I had to say. I decided to take my chances with the cops on charges of streaking.